An Alternative to No Gun Control

The recent mass shootings in Colorado and Wisconsin have pushed the control debate to the fore yet again.

Rather than take a side, I’m going to suggest a mechanism by which we could (possibly):

1. Make it harder for dangerous people to have dangerous guns
2. Maintain the right for law abiding citizens to own guns
3. Create a whole new industry
4. Increase the membership of the NRA (stick with me on this)

One word: Insurance

If you own a car, you have to have insurance. Cars can be dangerous, and while cars don’t kill people…people driving cars do.

Insurance companies are really good at assessing risk. They look at things like your driving history, age, the car itself and so on and come up with a price that they believe adequately covers you in case you have an accident.

Why can’t they do the same for guns? The calibre, capacity, whether it’s an automatic or not, your age,  annual bulletage (like mileage, but measured in bullets spent)

Insurance companies would be able to refuse or withdraw cover based on pre-existing conditions (such as belonging to a hate group or living in your parent’s basement).

Not having insurance wouldn’t stop you from getting a gun, but you’d run the risk of having it taken off you. Licensed retailers could refuse to sell to you without proof of insurance.

Now for the NRA:

You could get insurance discounts for safe gun ownership. For example, a discount if you owned a lockable gun cabinet or whether you had taken an NRA approved gun safety course. Membership to the NRA would get a discount as well. I know there are those of you that despise the NRA and think of it as an extreme fringe type of organization. But if membership brought down premiums, then maybe more middle of the road types would join. Plus, the NRA is part of the dialogue, you can’t just exclude them because you disagree.

Finally, there is the insurance payout: * A negligent, or criminal death or injury inflicted by gun would require a large compensatory award.

Think about that for a second: If you’re a hate filled bigot who actually believes that a group of people who have a different skin color than you, or call god by a different name deserve to die, and you’re thinking about shooting up the place, just remember that the survivors and the families of your victims are going to get a really big payout.

Do you want to do that?

What if you want to kill everyone in school, but the ones you miss will be able to buy cars because of you?

Would you give money to those you hate?

I didn’t think so.

* For this to work, the insurance companies, NRA, and retailers would have to put in an annual deposit into a fund that would pay out on uninsured gun deaths. Making it in their interests to get uninsured guns off the streets.

In Support of Voter ID Laws

I’m in favour of the recent attempts at voter ID laws. I think it’s about time quite frankly.

But I abhor the justification for it. It’s not about fraud.

In fact, I think it sets a dangerous precedent when people expect the government to take action on something as difficult to define as ‘fraud’. In fact, let’s just drop the whole ‘fraud’ concept. Along with other such outdated concepts as ‘regulation’ and ‘transparency’.

History has shown that talking about these things causes divisiveness and class warfare. In other words, these are concerns for Socialists, and that’s not the private equity American way.

It’s really about increasing the value of the vote, maximizing that value, and then shedding the body politic of unnecessary fat.

Voting has been devalued. Almost every dictatorship and plutocracy out there is aware of the need for the fig leaf of democratic legitimacy. Rigged and skewed elections are so as common as to no longer even warrant a front page headline. Millions, no, hundreds of millions of votes were cast this year all over the world and most of them were worthless.

What is really valuable is a vote that counts. A vote that might actually swing an election, change a policy, or at the very least let those in power know that you’re out there. However, as we’ve seen in recent elections, too many people waste their votes on fringe candidates, or even worse, on candidates hostile to job creators. You wouldn’t accept such slack performance from an employee, so why should it be tolerated in a voter?

Disenfranchising a lot of voters based on their inability to get some paperwork together is not a bad idea. It’s a great idea. It lowers the costs of elections; and fewer eligible votes means the value of those votes goes up, and we create more high value voter roles for the people of this great nation, where the trees are just the right height.

So I’m all in favour of voter ID laws. My issue is that they don’t go far enough, and don’t focus on the core business of the country.  I’ll start with the stated targets of the current proposals to show how they can be improved: Felons and Foreigners.

Felons

OK, I get the idea that felons have lost their right as a result of their crime…but then why are they out of prison in the first place? If they’ve paid their debt to society, then they should have the vote. If they can’t vote, then they are not part of society, and if they are not part of society, they should be in prison. Felons released from prison are like pension funds: an inexcusable drain on our company’s country’s finances. Money that would be better spent on our management fees. The obvious solution here is to make voting mandatory, with stiff prison sentences for failure to comply. Since felons cannot vote, they will be automatically in violation of the law and we can re-incarcerate them immediately into privately run, efficient, work focused institutions. They will be paid a fair wage, (minus living expenses) and should provide a large pool of labor to help us repatriate so many of those outsourced jobs.

Foreigners:

Foreigners…I’m going to go out on a limb here and take a view that may not be popular with my fellow freedom lovers: I think we should consider recruiting foreign votes in the same way we recruit foreign talent.  If the argument is that they haven’t invested in the country enough to vote, then why can’t we sell them voting rights.

We could exchange voting rights for capital investment from foreign job creators say $10,000 per vote if you live in the US and $50,000 if you live outside (to avoid taxes, the money can be kept safely offshore).

Here’s a thought: Let’s outsource voting rights to countries that have lower costs and can guarantee efficient turnout. They can bid for the contracts. Imagine if we sold contracted just 5 million votes each to China, Russia, and Iran. That would be a windfall of 750,000,000,000 (750 billion) dollars. We could balance the budget in no more than two election cycles, and by recruiting foreign input, vastly reduce anti Americanism, by ensuring our policies are friendly to those places we keep our money.

Added to that, imagine how brilliant it would be for the purchasers to know their vote actually had an impact? Can you think of a better way to raise funds and promote democracy? Hell, let’s throw in 5 million votes to Venezuela, Syria, and France while we’re at it.

But running a successful enterprise isn’t just about maximising revenue; you have to lower costs as well.  This is why I think the Voter ID Laws need to be expanded to ‘cut out the fat’

A myth peddled by the elite liberal media is that each vote is as valuable as the next, and therefore ‘every vote counts’. This is clearly untrue in practice if not in principle.

What I am proposing here is a system of weighted votes; let’s start with the premise that every vote counts equally, but implement a system whereby the value of a vote can depreciate through misuse much like any other asset

I think it is the duty of every consultant patriot to honestly look the people around them and ask who should be in the driving seat, who should be in the back seat, and who should be tied to the roof. I have some suggestions:

The poor

It’s been proven time and time again that people don’t value stuff you just give away. They are far more likely to appreciate something that they have earned. It is nothing more than an extension of the crypto ‘social justice’ crowd that voting is somehow a ‘right’. It’s what has led us to this culture of entitlement that is bankrupting our once proud nation. Honestly, if you can’t scrape enough together for a car, I don’t care what your opinion is.

The stupid

Why are we giving the vote to stupid people? Stupid people make stupid decisions; by definition. Incompetence and recalcitrance affects the bottom line. It’s also been proven that stupid people join unions, and nothing damages profit more than unions.

Below, I have made a few suggestions for various infringements and the penalty

1. Posted an article from The Onion online in order to prove a point (-10%)
2. Argued with someone that it was real (-20%)
3. Written a blog about Glee, Harry Potter, Twighlight, or Desperate Housewives (- 10%)
4.  Complained online about not getting g an iphone (- 10%)
5. Tweeted that your ignorance about something (e.g. the Titanic being a real) (-50%) If you can’t Google, your opinion is worthless.
6. Talked on the train or any other public transport for more than the 2 minutes it tells you to say you’re on the way and what time you’ll be there.
7. Texted while driving.
8. Have more than 500 photos of YOURSELF on social media and/or at least 30 of them were taken at the same time.  (-25%)
9. Voted Democrat.(-100% and 2 year suspension – leading to prison for non voting)
10. Watched more than 30 hours of PBS in your lifetime, or listen to NPR (ever)(-88%)

It’s an incomplete list, but it’s a start. I think we all need to have the conversation (in quiet rooms) about how we can have a Voter ID Law that works for this country.

Star Trek, Bin Laden, pissing on the Taliban, and Jewish Mormons.

What do three Marines pissing on dead Taliban have in common with Osama Bin Laden, Star Trek and Jewish Mormons?

More than you might think.

Let’s start with the obvious one. The Marines’ behaviour stands in stark contrast to the frankly bizarre US government PR effort after killing Bin Laden. Amidst the euphoria, conspiracy nuts, Pakistani petulance and the sheer weirdness of it all, you may remember there was quite a lot made about Bin Laden’s burial at sea. How his body had been washed and wrapped in a shroud before it being buried at sea and how Muslim customs were respected. At the time, this struck me as not only a bit warped and bizarre, but also hypocritical and stupid: Of what value is all that when you consider how he died and at whose hands? Seriously? You just put a bunch of bullets in the guy, but you want to stress how respectful you were of the body??

Don’t get me wrong. Were I in charge of the funeral, I would have corkscrewed a pig’s penis up his ass, stuffed his mouth with bacon, and pickled him in kosher wine. I would have had huge crucifixes tattooed on his buttocks and posed him blowing a statue of the Buddha with Krishna and Vishnu standing by to double team him later. I would have cut off his balls and turned them into fuzzy dice that would hang on the rear view mirror of the Pope mobile, I would have…well, you get the idea.

Because, let’s be honest here. Once you kill someone, there really is no going back is there? It’s not as if you’re going to come to some understanding now is it? Which is why I don’t give a crap about the Marines pissing on the bodies and  am baffled by anyone who does. Because they are the enemy; and I use the most simplistic definition of the word possible: Given the chance, they will kill you, and you them.

So why sugar coat it all and make the whole war thing weirder than it already is by suddenly developing a reverence for the shell of the life you were just engaged in extinguishing? Getting all precious about it is like the Nazis asking for leniency because they cleaned up afterwards.

Ask yourself: What Would Kirk Do? (WWKD?)

In A Taste of Armageddon Kirk and the Enterprise come upon a couple of planets that have been ‘at war’ for centuries.

Their idea of warfare is to assign everyone a number and let computers play war games. If you died in the simulation, you turned up to a station where you were disintegrated. You went voluntarily; it was a civilised, clean, and property friendly way of conducting warfare. They then make the really big mistake of trying to get Kirk and the Enterprise involved (as casualties of war).

So what does Kirk do? He wrecks the disintegration chambers and war computers. This will cause a real war, with bombs, and blood and guts. Kirk is basically telling the people of the planet to Nut The Fuck Up or Shut The Fuck Up (NTFU or STFU). In other words, stop being pussies and either go to war, and take all the shit that comes with it, or man up and make peace. They make peace. And just in case you think Kirk was some sort of Hippie in disguise, teaching about peace and love, at one point he invokes General Order 24. Which is Star Trek speak for “I’m going to really fuck you up”

Which leads to the Jewish Mormons: In case you don’t already know, the Mormons (Mitt Romney’s crowd) have been for some time baptizing Holocaust victims into the Mormon faith in order to save their souls. OK, I grant you that’s pretty weird. But what I find even weirder is the reaction of some members of the Jewish community who have taken offence at this and asked them to stop.

REALLY?  

I don’t get it. This is Pascal’s wager 101. Assume for a moment there is an afterlife and the Mormons have got it wrong. Well then, no loss. But suppose they’re right? Then total score! Millions of people brutally murdered get redemption in the afterlife courtesy of the flannel wearing Salt Lake City crowd. Total win. And besides, surely the Jews have more pressing things to worry about than whether or not some Mormons are praying for and baptizing Holocaust victims. You might even argue that the Holocaust victims are a pretty good reason to keep a sharper eye out for the types that victimised them in the first place. You would think that one of the few advantages of being dead was that you didn’t have to go around being outraged and insulted all the time. That, and you don’t have to worry about people trying to kill you.

But, for some reason, how we treat the dead is really important to a lot of people who are pretty clueless on how to treat the living. And just as Jews are getting upset at post mortem proselytising, the Taliban are also engaging in some weird ass fetishizing of the dead.  Yup, the Taliban are claiming their dead don’t decay. This is somehow a sign of divine approval, though you would think divine approval would come in a less fatal guise.

Folks, leave the dead alone. Unless they are your enemy and pissing all over them would really upset their friends. It’s what Kirk would do. NTFU or STFU.

Winning a Lost Cause

This isn’t a political blog, as such, but if you’re not a completely self absorbed watcher of reality TV, you’ll know that sometimes you have to fix your sights on the political realm.

Though it gives me no pleasure to say it, I think that ‘we’ have lost in Afghanistan and Iraq.  The main objectives were not met. Some were met, true; but what was accomplished could have probably been done cheaper in terms of money, time, and lives lost. Hindsight being 20/20 I don’t think it would be useful for me to analyse what went wrong and who is to blame. Others will do that much better than I can.  I just thought I’d float an idea on how more can be retrieved from the loss.

Let’s start with what we know: Both places are in turmoil, with violence and the threat of violence being the main agent of change. Elections aren’t a panacea or the contest of ideas hoped for, and the electorate is far more likely to be motivated by fear and loathing than aspiration. When the last troops leave, the vacuum will be filled by hostile ideologue that will portray the exit as a triumph of their vision, and damaging the credibility of the ‘West’.  Anything that goes wrong subsequently will be laid at the door of the West, no matter how tenuous.

However, I think that something can be salvaged, at least in terms of the contest of values and ideals, and the best analogy I can think of to make the point is the Berlin Wall.

The Berlin Wall was the ace in the pack in contesting the validity of the repressive ideology that called itself Communism or Socialism. Irrespective of the mistakes made, the corruption, racism, inequality, and other ills of our society, it was always possible to point out that progress was being made, and besides, no one had to build a wall to keep the people from fleeing en masse. Ultimately, even people that never participate in an election will vote with their feet given the opportunity.

I propose that in the final months of presence by western troops in these places we make an extraordinary offer: Any woman or child that wants to leave, only need approach western forces, and they will be immediately taken in, and transferred to the west (I suggest Utah).

Women are the key. One of the defining characteristics of the virulent strain of Islamist superiority is the subjugation of women, and it is also their Achilles Heel.  A demonstration like no other, of their underlying weakness and fear is their denial of female capacity and sexuality. The thought of thousands of women leaving the power of their fathers, brothers and uncles to make a life for themselves in the heart of the Great Satan would be terrifying to your average Islamic bigot, because deep down, he knows most would.

A recurring story told by western troops is coming to a village only to find the women and children there, the men all having retreated to the hills to plan an ambush. Think about that for a moment. What kind of man willingly leaves the women and children at the mercy of the so called godless infidel? One who knows, and relies upon, the infidel showing a restraint that the selfsame holy warrior would not exercise in a similar position. Imagine the risk if he left the village knowing that the option of leaving with the infidels was there?

This would force an immediate rearguard action. Instead of plotting a spectacular final attack or harassment of the departing soldiers, they would be forced to jealously guard their female population from running away with the kids. They would have to build a Berlin Wall. More specifically, thousands of Berlin Walls, each one a testament to the banruptcy of their ideology.

I know this sounds cynical. Using women as a weapon, inviting further repression and violence on them; but no one blames the shelter for the abusive husband, even if he states that she ‘made him do it’ by threatening to leave. Making this offer would undoubtedly be the catalyst for human tragedy, but not the cause.  It might also have long terms beneficial effects for women there. The Berlin Wall did not stop everyone from leaving, and it has to be assumed that a large number would make it to freedom, leaving fewer women in the country where their scarcity may actually result in them being valued.

It’s just a thought.

Fluorescent Death

An anecdote (Is it an anecdote?) to start. Maybe just reportage, I don’t know the difference, but here goes.

I have a routine. This routine takes me past a very large block of flats/apartments that lies in the middle of a quiet street in London. The first thing that strikes you about it is that it’s huge and it’s small at the same time. Small because it only takes up about half of a city block, but huge because it probably houses around one hundred residences. So a rough estimate would be that there are somewhere in the vicinity of 200 hundred people living in the space of 4 Victorian row houses or 2 American ranch style homes. It’s also attractive in a way, mostly when compared to modern buildings of similar size and use. The last thing you notice is how quiet it is. There is almost no activity on the street outside or the two alleyways that form its borders. And this leads you to wonder about the people that live inside.

The other day, the usual tranquillity was emphatically broken by a fire engine at full tilt: lights, sirens, etc. The engine stopped at the edge of this place, and then went quiet. There were no flames and there was no smoke, so I guess there was no fire. The firemen did not leap out, but exited their vehicle slowly, without their helmets or jackets and seemed to be studying paperwork intently and look for reasons to slow down. You had the impression they were there to get a cat out of a tree, or maybe cut someone out of their bathtub. Dull. The firemen wore their fluorescent high visibility vests (High Viz).

The next day, at the very same spot, was a hearse. And about a dozen men, all in dark suits, milling around, trying not to catch each other’s eye, or whispering to each other and themselves.

Today that spot was occupied by a delivery van for a grocery chain. The man driving the van carried a clipboard and wore a High Viz vest.

I don’t know what happened, but I’m assuming that the firemen were called out on a medical emergency that resulted in death. This got me thinking about the fact that behind thousands upon thousands of closed doors, lives are progressing or ending that I know nothing about and when they end, nobody may ever know. The usual things covered by good writers: death, meaning, pathos, hubris. But I’m not a good writer and I found myself thinking about the High Viz jackets instead. The firemen wore them. And the delivery guy did too. But not the mourners; they almost actively hid from view.

What does the High Viz vest or jacket say? It says pay attention. You need to notice me. It has become an ubiquitous uniform. There have been experiments that show we are inclined to comply more readily with even the most flaccid of trappings, but that’s another piece I guess. I know why the firemen wore them, and I know why the delivery guy did too. Just doing their jobs and it was important that I (any anyone else walking by) notice this. Things were working. Life was progressing. There was order.

 

But death?  best not to notice that; wear dark suits, speak under your breath, carry the evidence away in an earth toned box in a black car. Most importantly, be quick about it, and for the love of god, do not have paperwork on display.

People are weird

London Riots – reflections

In the event that you didn’t somehow hear, London has experienced days of sporadic rioting and looting. The phenomenon has spread to other cities in the UK, such as Manchester, Birmingham and Leicester.

The papers are full of reportage and opinion. The debate of the cause and fuel for the riots has followed a predictable line, as have the various suggestions as to what to do about it: everything from shoot on sight to more money spent on cups of tea and understanding.

I’m not going to weigh in on this, partly because I don’t think there is a simple answer; but mostly because I don’t give a shit. (NB. I give a shit about riot victims..I don’t give a shit about pundits and politicians scoring cheap points…are you listening Ken?)

However, everyone seems to be writing about it, so I figure I better add something.

A few observations and reflections:

– A friend witnessed a party of young men returning one night to Watford Junction, they had armfuls of loot and stories about the looting and their participation. I love this. I love the fact that at least some of the rioters had to commute. I wonder if they could keep it up 5 days a week, all year long? It also gives me a small degree of satisfaction to know that while they may have engaged in criminal, destructive, and possibly even violent behaviour, they most likely go screwed by Silverlink Trains and London Transport just like the rest of us.

– A piece in the newspapers details how a two star restaurant was attacked by rioters, who were chased off by the chefs wielding knives and iron skillets. This seems to me to be a good plan. While I would not want Ainsley Harriot, Gary Rhodes, Or Antony Worrall Thompson with me in the trenches; I’d feel pretty secure if I had a pissed off Gordon Ramsay or Heston Blumenthal on my side. Perhaps we should hand it over to them?

– The police have posted hundreds of CCTV images online and the news organisations have probably hundreds of hours of similar footage. Some of it is quite shocking. A man ran out of a JJB with a purple jumpsuit, green baseball cap, and white trainers…perhaps he was colour blind? Or were they gifts…?

– Speaking of CCTV, I wonder if there were any reports of the CCTV cameras being targeted. I suspect not, and this disheartens me. Attacking the CCTV would not only have protected the looters identity, but it would have also provided a service to their fellow miscreants. That none of them had either the foresight or civil/collective conscience to do so, but rather went straight for whatever they could grab saddens me. Where was the organisation? What hope for the future is our young people today have so little planning skills?

– Where any bookstores looted? Where are the literate looters of yesteryear?

– Iran has made a call for the police forces to show restraint and offered to send a delegation to monitor the protection of human rights. China has pointed to the inherent evils of internet freedom. Clever, but childish. I look forward to the interviews from the large British expatriate communities of who sought asylum there from persecution due to their religion, sexuality, or political and legal activism. Any time now, I’m sure.

– I was told an anecdote by someone living near one of the main centres of trouble (Clapham Junction). According to him, looters were taking things and then stashing them in the bushes and under cars of nearby residents, and the coming back later with cars and lights to recover them. This led me to wonder about what would happen if you were to chance upon a stolen item and take it. Would the original looter feel aggrieved? At what point would the concept of property come into play? Of course, I’ve wondered this for years…if you walked into an Anarchist bookstore and stole books, would they call the police?

– There is the possibility that some Premier League and Championship football matches may be cancelled as a result of the riots. Suddenly a potential solution comes to me: Open the stadiums and allow in rioters and football hooligans. Stack the executive boxes with goodies and then set them upon each other, winner takes all.

– A radio pundit spoke in great depth of the poverty and deprivation of the rioters. This was followed immediately by a news bulletin detailing how Blackberrys, smart phones, and social media sites played a large part in the organisation of looting.

– Speaking of deprivation, how did they afford the petrol for those petrol bombs? Perhaps they saved money by taking the train? Unlikely.

– Apparently, this was all predicted some time agao by the Kaiser Chiefs. In 2004. That’s (approximately: let’s not be pedantic or anything) 2,467 riot free days that they failed to predict…Unless of course, they were speaking of another location…Unfortunately, the original was too vague to be of much use in ascertaining its prophetic qualities.

– A man on the news last night explained in broken English that they had to riot because “The government has brought all the Poles over to do our jobs and now there is nothing for us, innit?” It depressed me that of all the Poles I know here, not one spoke English as poorly as this native of Salford. Methinks the fact that Poles (or any other foreigner) are getting jobs he can’t might not be a government conspiracy after all..

Quagmire? Really?

I’m  often baffled whenever the news talks about troops and countries being stuck in a quagmire. The implication being that it’s somehow difficult to get out of a country you’ve just invaded seems to me to be an ice cream sundae of bullshit with lashings of fudge (fudge the facts, fudge the argument etc).

A lot of it comes down to the Sunk Cost Fallacy. The idea that X amount in money, lives, and fighting has been invested, and to pull out now would mean all that was wasted; or that somehow leaving now would equate to a win for the enemy etc. (Google it; I’m not here to do anything other than rant)

One word. Four syllables, and you’re done:

Referendum

That’s it. All you have to do is hold a referendum in the country in question. The choice is a simple one:

A) Leave now

B) Stay for (timeframe here) at which point another referendum will be held

A referendum is a win-win. Whichever way it goes, you come out on top. Consider: You have invaded crazy country (Sociopathistan) to catch a terrorist, deliver supplies, protect democracy etc. You’ve managed something of a hold and achieved your initial goals, you even stage an election and a bunch of local crooks are now in charge (politicians, say no more).

But it’s all very fragile and mission creep comes along, and then next thing you know, you’re losing soldiers to an increasingly sophisticated ‘insurgency’ and getting mixed up in politics and score settling that have nothing to do with you. If you leave now, there’s a pretty good chance everything will go back to the way it was, and you’ll have to admit that everything you did was a. Grade A clusterfuck.

And so you’re stuck.

The longer you stay, the more enemies you make, and even your friends are not all that great. This is where the referendum comes in. You go directly to the people and let them decide. You announce the referendum, put the question out there and give everyone X weeks or months to make their case.

Already you’ve put the enemy on the back foot. Until now, they’ve been able to frame the question their way: Brave home team vs. insidious foreign power. An upcoming referendum asks them a lot of questions: Do they participate? And if not, why not? What are their liberating credentials if they are not even willing to consider a non lethal way of achieving their stated aim? If they do, what sort of campaign do they run? Now they have to come up with a viable alternative to the evil foreigner…what are their policies? Even if they duck the question and just run a negative campaign, that’s eating up resources they could be using on explosive suicide vests, and which would you rather have our soldiers face? Mudslinging or IEDs?

So the referendum comes, and the outcome is a victory either way. If you’re asked to leave, then you go. Safe in the knowledge that you’ve done what you could and are no longer responsible for whatever shit storm follows. You’ve also made the most powerful case for democracy one can think of. Your entire army retreats, not in the face of bullets, bombs, or beheadings…but ballots. Can you think of a better way to demonstrate the values of democracy? True, the ‘leave now’ camp can claim victory, but only a campaign victory, and they are now tied to the method. How long will it be before they are considered accountable in the same way?

If the vote is to stay, then you have a mandate. A popular mandate. Read that again, it’s important. Because until the referendum, you were the bad guy; irrespective of your intentions and behaviour, you were always going to be the bad guy. You came in uninvited. OK, maybe you had to, but why are you still here? No matter how hard you try, you’ll be resented. You’re the social worker living amongst the dysfunctional family, and it doesn’t matter how good you are, if they start to see you as an imposition, you’re not going to make much progress. Your best option is expensive stalemate. However, if the majority of the family vote to keep you in, then you can take decisive action to intervene with the problem members, your methods can be questioned, but not your authority to try.

Am I missing something?

Complex Computer Modelling Thesis:The Variable Dynamics of Theoretical and Practical Applications of…you know, stuff

The Voting Dead

It may be me, but it seems that the level of political discourse is on a downward trend. More emphasis seems to be put on a politician’s haircut than their abilities or policies. There is also an increasing and unnecessary polarization between the so called Left and Right.

We the people deserve better. An informed electorate is the bedrock of any strong democracy. In a humble effort to help voters make better choices, I will scientifically analyze the broad Right and Left, probing their respective strengths and weaknesses in tackling what is quite possibly the most important issue of our time: Zombie outbreaks.

To this end, I have modelled a massive zombie outbreak, running various simulations and scenarios; comparing and contrasting the differing sides of the political divide.  Following is an Executive Summary of those simulations.

Early Days (first 6 weeks of Zombie Outbreak)

THE LEFT

Models show the Left being completely wrong footed in the early stages of an outbreak. When faced with a situation of a hoard of brainless , murderous  cannibals,  their first reaction was to hold a candlelit vigil with workshops, indigenous art stalls, and maybe a band. It was a massacre.

Casualties among the Left mounted at an alarming rate as they seemed completely incapable ofstaging any sort of meaningful defence. Large numbers were lost trying to negotiate with the zombies, while the entire faculty and student body of Zombie Cultural Studies Department were eaten on their first field trip. A significant proportion were lost when they attempted to date Zombies for no other reason than to annoy their parents, and there were even those that consciously became zombies after watching the avant garde play ‘We are all Zombies now’

Those that did recognise the threat were inadequately prepared. Most were unarmed, and lived in densely populated, eclectic urban areas with trendy loft spaces with lots of windows to let in the light…it also let in zombies. Furthermore, a large number of those who described themselves as ‘liberal, spiritual, alternative, progressive ’ etc.  owned cats, chinchillas, and adopted whales and panda bears, none of which proved a deterrent to the undead.

After staggering losses, there was a brief rally, but it collapsed quickly when a suitable form of leadership that fairly represented all viewpoints could not be passed due to the insistence that the  candidates for  cabinet posts  expunge from their manifestos any gender, ethnic, height, or socioeconomically judgemental language.

Rating out of 10: 1

THE RIGHT

The fortunes of the Right were almost the polar opposite to that of the Left. Long derided for their paranoia and overreaction, these same weaknesses, which previously had kept them out of college, served them well in a Zombie outbreak. Heavily armed and territorial, they were predominately found suburban and rural properties that were easily defensible; even those that fell were likely to have taken out at least 10 Zombies before succumbing.   Many had stockpiled assets such as ammunition and beef jerky in abundance, allowing them to stay put rather than exposing themselves in an effort to get some Saffron to go with their rice.

Another surprising strength was that a large number of them had dogs (usually named Zeke or Skeeter) which proved an invaluable asset in detecting zombies, even in the very early stages when they might still appear human.

There also seemed to be little trouble in establishing a chain of command. This demographic was easily rallied, sometimes by something as simple as a piece of decorated cloth, and were generally more willing to follow those with the greater combat skills, organisational abilities, or just the loudest and craziest among them. This emphasis on simplicity and preparedness, combined with an unwavering willingness to shoot the crap out of anything that even appeared to be a threat resulted in those that described themselves as ‘conservative, god fearing, hard working’ etc. surviving in much greater numbers than their leftwing counterparts.

Rating out of 10: 9

The Middle Stages (week 6 to month 6 of the outbreak)

THE LEFT

After a disastrous start, the Left appeared doomed. However, models show that while only a minority survived; it was the cream of the demographic. Having rid themselves of the narcissistic, guilt laden faux fellow traveller elements, the survivors are able to take stock of the situation and quickly consolidate their positions.  Still desperately low on weapons, tactical nous, and supplies, they were initially forced into desperate hiding. However, without the noisy posturing and ‘politics as a form of therapy’ distractions, those that were actually capable of thought were able to start thinking about the situation rationally and plan.

Slowly, groups coalesced around previous centres of activity. Libraries, labs, and parental basements were re-colonized once the zombies had moved on. Using the tools left to them, they managed to educate themselves on basic defensive strategy, procure weapons (find an empty Walmart) and rationally frame the problem without the complications of wondering whether or not the zombies had a valid view and whether or not the killing of zombies was a denial of their cultural rights of self expression, which might be no more than a natural reaction to proto Fascist cultural paradigms laid down by patriarchal, non Gaia aware insensitive reactionaries.

THE RIGHT

The initial success of the Right had a draining effect on their prospects in the medium to long term. A higher survival rate resulted in a dilution of the cumulative intellectual resource pool. Various surviving outposts were able to establish connections and rationally apportion resources and manpower, but with the threat of imminent death diminished, cracks began to show. Prayer was advocated by a significant number as the only long term solution. Blame and finger pointing increased, with groups attributing the outbreak to non quantifiable terms such as ‘sin’ and ‘moral depravity’. Hardline groups opposed biological explanations as being suspiciously close to evolution. Others blamed gay marriage. While the significant losses among  those considered ‘scripturally incorrect’  gave  these groups a boost, the continued presence of Zombies created a cognitive dissonance that could only be resolved by ever increasingly random witch hunts. Talk of the Rapture, and an increasing dependence on a two thousand year old book stymied efforts to approach the problem scientifically. The unifying force of the threat ebbed and flowed with the waves of the undead.

Long term stage (6 months plus from the outbreak)

Various models predicted the end of the human race within a year to eighteen months; with either a new Zombie Nation, or a mutual nuclear destruction.    With the Right fraying at the edges, and the Left not strong enough to engage the enemy, society as a whole seemed doomed.

However, an additional model was run by an intern from the New York School of Film for the Cash Rich and Imagination Poor (NYSFCRIP). The Intern, mistakenly believing they were running the Random Chaos Module, actually ran the DEM Module  (Deus Ex Machina) resulting in a surprising outcome.

In this final simulation, the ‘Rational Right’ split from their Doomsday obsessed colleagues and brokered a peace with the ‘It’s not actually about me’ Left resulting in a small elite force, headed by two random variables:  military prowess as represented by an African American fighter pilot, and technical, but goofy and therefore unthreatening genius in the form of a nerdy Jewish scientist.

There was also a streetwise Latina, one frustrated WASP housewife, a gritty redneck with a heart of gold, a teen virgin, and at least one endearingly grumpy older person. There was also a stripper, but we still can’t figure out who put that in the simulator code.

Once this ragtag outfit managed to sort out their individual issues, each one rose to the challenge and somehow, sometimes inexplicably managed to help the two primary variables, coded W.S. and J.G. (randomly assigned) were then able to defeat the zombie hoards in a number of fast paced battles, using a laptop and an F-16.

Music Can Kill

Adele is a psychopath

Imagine you’re on the receiving end of this little murderous ditty: I imagined it was first delivered in the dead of night; when we are at our most vulnerable. I don’t know for a fact what went through the victim’s mind, but it was probably something like this:

I heard that you’re settled down,
That you found a girl and you’re married now,
I heard that your dreams came true,

What the? Who is this? Do they know me? Oh, they heard about the wedding., I must know them. What time is it? Christ, it’s bright in here.

Guess she gave you things I didn’t give to you,

That’s a bit of a dig isn’t it? Who said anything about you?  How do you know it has something to do with what you did or did not give to me? Has it occurred to you that my dreams might be a bit wider than that?

Old friend, why are you so shy?
Ain’t like you to hold back or hide from the light,

So what? Are you saying I’m a show off or something? Or is it a reference to the million watt light she’s shining in my face?

I hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited,
But I couldn’t stay away, I couldn’t fight it,

Oh Christ, this person has just turned up out of the blue? Uninvited? They ‘couldn’t stay away? Is there a Restraining Order? If not, I’ll need to get one.

 ‘Couldn’t Fight It?’ So that makes it OK then?

 I had hoped you’d see my face,
And that you’d be reminded that for me it isn’t over,

I can’t SEE your face! You’re just a threatening shadow behind a really bright light. ,This is starting to sound a bit sinister now. It isn’t over for you, so I guess you’re not going to let it be over for me either?

  Nevermind, I’ll find someone like you,

Well then what are you doing here?? This is the last place to find someone like me. It’s the worst place possible. I’m nothing like me. I AM me! You’re not going to find someone like me, looking at me are you?

I wish nothing but the best for you……. Too/two?

Does she mean too? As in ‘As well’ or does she mean the number two? As in she wishes the best for me and the wife? And why the long pause? Is that another dig? Or is there something worse? OMG! Is she going to do something to my wife??

Don’t forget me, I beg,
I remember you said,
“Sometimes it lasts in love,
But sometimes it hurts instead,”
Sometimes it lasts in love,
But sometimes it hurts instead, yeah,

Hurts instead? WTF?? Is this woman going to hurt me??  Is that how she means to ensure I don’t forget her? Who IS this person??  

You know how the time flies,
Only yesterday was the time of our lives,
We were born and raised in a summer haze,
Bound by the surprise of our glory days,

Summer haze? Glory Days? What the…? Holy Shit! Now I know who you are! You’re that girl I kissed in Summer Camp!! Christ! I was 11!! That was nearly 20 years ago!! WTF are you doing here now??

I hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited,
But I couldn’t stay away, I couldn’t fight it,
I had hoped you’d see my face,
And that you’d be reminded that for me it isn’t over

OK, stay calm. She’s repeating herself. I don’t think she’s all there. I really wish she would get that bright light out of my face.

Nevermind, I’ll find someone like you,
I wish nothing but the best for you, too,
Don’t forget me, I beg,
I remember you said,
“Sometimes it lasts in love,
But sometimes it hurts instead,”

That’s it. She’s going to kill me. That’s why she keeps going on about finding someone like me, and not me; because I’m not going to be around anymore. This is it, I’m a dead man.

 Nothing compares,
No worries or cares,
Regrets and mistakes, they’re memories made,
Who would have known how bittersweet this would taste?

Ah, and she’s going to eat me too.

etc.

I can’t help but think if this wasn’t Adele but was say, Aiden turning up out of the blue to an ex girlfriend’s house, we’d have some police round there pretty quick.  But as it is, this song has been around for weeks and been played countless times and as far as I can tell, nobody has informed the authorities. When they ever do get around to investigating this non PC case, I suspect we will find some actual skeletons in Adele’s cupboards.

It Happens

Why Stuff Goes Wrong

Ever watched something with great potential turn into shit? Have you ever been part of something that started out as an ideal dream, only for it to go to hell? Why is it that the road to Hell is paved with the best intentions? What goes wrong?

In short, how does something good go bad? More importantly, if you want to make something good, what is standing in your way, or likely to contaminate your vision?

One word: Committees

The committee can be literal or metaphorical. It’s a collection of individuals you will have to deal with at some point. They might all be seated around the same table at the same time, but it’s not a given.  The committee holds the power to OK your project, the ability to help you realise your dream, and the expertise needed to realise the harder aspects….but it also has those that will destroy it. Here are but some of those destroyers. You must learn to recognise these committee members and have a response ready.

The Dullard

Also known as the Office Party Animal. This person gives the impression of having an active and interesting outside life. They will have countless photos of themselves online of various raves and parties they’ve been to or hosted. They’ll come in one day after a long weekend burnt to a crisp because they fell asleep drunk in the park on the hottest day of the year. Unfortunately, this person is about as empty as the condom machine at an Optimists Convention, and unless drunk, incapable of any sort of social interaction or contributing in any way positive. Therefore when something original and compelling comes along, they cannot cope, because the committee meets when they are sober and the combination of stimulation and sobriety scares them so they will obstruct and whine. Luckily, they are stupid, so tell them half an hour before the meeting that Cheryl  Cole was spotted in the nearest pub, and they will make excuses and leave.

The Marketer   

This creature is the bastard, unholy offspring of a sell out hippie and a demon pimp. This bag of shit has one driving ambition, which is to be anything other than what they already are. Being repulsive to anyone with even a shred of integrity or invention, they confuse sales with relationships, becoming addicted to saying or doing anything and everything to ‘convert’ every interaction into a monetary value.    The Marketer will not obstruct or oppose the idea, they will often champion it, but this is motivated only by the need to fill the gaping hole where most people keep a soul. Unfortunately, their support will be conditional upon little ‘tweaks, changes, add-ons and tie ins designed to apply to the widest corporate audience possible’….and in doing so, will bleed out anything original, controversial or even slightly interesting. This person is not your enemy, but must be killed as soon as possible. Poison should do it. Don’t feel bad: it’s only murder if it’s a person.

The Faux Artist  (Philosopher/Writer/Administrator/Janitor etc.)

The FA is essentially a parasite, and feeds off you and your ideas. When they are not outright stealing them, they are trying desperately to inseminate your vision with the deranged and damaged seeds of their mind.  If you even pretend to take their view seriously, they will immediately appropriate as much credit as they can from a successful venture, or will attribute any failures (NB: you will fail at some point in your life) to not having listened to them. Fortunately, it’s easy to spot the FA:  They talk about what they are going to do more than they do. And if by some miracle, they get off their self obsessed asses and actually do something, it’ll be exactly ten minutes of pedestrian shit that someone else has already done, and 50 minutes of them explaining it to you and telling you why it’s unique and interesting.

It’s like a meeting someone at a bar who attempts to convince you that they are attractive by telling you how attractive they are. The temptation will be to nod vigorously, make vaguely agreeable noises, and get away as fast as possible.   Do not do this. It is important that you throw them off the scent. Tell them that you are going into the WC to lick the toilet bowls, as that is preferable to the bad taste they have left in your mouth. Real artists, writers, musicians, philosophers, even businesspeople don’t have a lot of time to tell you what they are doing, because they are too busy doing it.

New Age Nitwit, Pseudo Hippie, God Squad

A variation of the FA, with the obsessive energy seemingly focused on something other than their own ego (don’t be fooled). This person will talk about cosmic energy, rapture, karma…(you get the idea).  While on the face of it, this might seem a good thing. It gives the impression that this person has a sense of something bigger than themselves and therefore may have some humility and perspective.

That is, until the rules come along.

Each one of these witless wonders will eventually get around to telling you a set of rules and recipes that somehow apply to this supernatural power, and how their adherence to these same rules has given them strength/blessings/inspiration etc. The veneer is one of humility, but the underlying message is the same:

‘Teacher likes me more than they like you nya nya’.

If that was the end of it, you could happily ignore and get on with it, but this creature will mutate and eventually insist on everybody adhering to ever complicated and asinine bullshit. Then comes the censorship, because it turns out the universe/god  is quite thin skinned despite being all powerful and knowing. There is no way of permanently eliminating this threat, but you can minimise their disruptive and degenerate influence through the liberal use of laxatives in their food and drink.

Next Week:

Professional Victims, PC Police, Critics, Politicos and Psychopaths.