Star Trek, Bin Laden, pissing on the Taliban, and Jewish Mormons.

What do three Marines pissing on dead Taliban have in common with Osama Bin Laden, Star Trek and Jewish Mormons?

More than you might think.

Let’s start with the obvious one. The Marines’ behaviour stands in stark contrast to the frankly bizarre US government PR effort after killing Bin Laden. Amidst the euphoria, conspiracy nuts, Pakistani petulance and the sheer weirdness of it all, you may remember there was quite a lot made about Bin Laden’s burial at sea. How his body had been washed and wrapped in a shroud before it being buried at sea and how Muslim customs were respected. At the time, this struck me as not only a bit warped and bizarre, but also hypocritical and stupid: Of what value is all that when you consider how he died and at whose hands? Seriously? You just put a bunch of bullets in the guy, but you want to stress how respectful you were of the body??

Don’t get me wrong. Were I in charge of the funeral, I would have corkscrewed a pig’s penis up his ass, stuffed his mouth with bacon, and pickled him in kosher wine. I would have had huge crucifixes tattooed on his buttocks and posed him blowing a statue of the Buddha with Krishna and Vishnu standing by to double team him later. I would have cut off his balls and turned them into fuzzy dice that would hang on the rear view mirror of the Pope mobile, I would have…well, you get the idea.

Because, let’s be honest here. Once you kill someone, there really is no going back is there? It’s not as if you’re going to come to some understanding now is it? Which is why I don’t give a crap about the Marines pissing on the bodies and  am baffled by anyone who does. Because they are the enemy; and I use the most simplistic definition of the word possible: Given the chance, they will kill you, and you them.

So why sugar coat it all and make the whole war thing weirder than it already is by suddenly developing a reverence for the shell of the life you were just engaged in extinguishing? Getting all precious about it is like the Nazis asking for leniency because they cleaned up afterwards.

Ask yourself: What Would Kirk Do? (WWKD?)

In A Taste of Armageddon Kirk and the Enterprise come upon a couple of planets that have been ‘at war’ for centuries.

Their idea of warfare is to assign everyone a number and let computers play war games. If you died in the simulation, you turned up to a station where you were disintegrated. You went voluntarily; it was a civilised, clean, and property friendly way of conducting warfare. They then make the really big mistake of trying to get Kirk and the Enterprise involved (as casualties of war).

So what does Kirk do? He wrecks the disintegration chambers and war computers. This will cause a real war, with bombs, and blood and guts. Kirk is basically telling the people of the planet to Nut The Fuck Up or Shut The Fuck Up (NTFU or STFU). In other words, stop being pussies and either go to war, and take all the shit that comes with it, or man up and make peace. They make peace. And just in case you think Kirk was some sort of Hippie in disguise, teaching about peace and love, at one point he invokes General Order 24. Which is Star Trek speak for “I’m going to really fuck you up”

Which leads to the Jewish Mormons: In case you don’t already know, the Mormons (Mitt Romney’s crowd) have been for some time baptizing Holocaust victims into the Mormon faith in order to save their souls. OK, I grant you that’s pretty weird. But what I find even weirder is the reaction of some members of the Jewish community who have taken offence at this and asked them to stop.

REALLY?  

I don’t get it. This is Pascal’s wager 101. Assume for a moment there is an afterlife and the Mormons have got it wrong. Well then, no loss. But suppose they’re right? Then total score! Millions of people brutally murdered get redemption in the afterlife courtesy of the flannel wearing Salt Lake City crowd. Total win. And besides, surely the Jews have more pressing things to worry about than whether or not some Mormons are praying for and baptizing Holocaust victims. You might even argue that the Holocaust victims are a pretty good reason to keep a sharper eye out for the types that victimised them in the first place. You would think that one of the few advantages of being dead was that you didn’t have to go around being outraged and insulted all the time. That, and you don’t have to worry about people trying to kill you.

But, for some reason, how we treat the dead is really important to a lot of people who are pretty clueless on how to treat the living. And just as Jews are getting upset at post mortem proselytising, the Taliban are also engaging in some weird ass fetishizing of the dead.  Yup, the Taliban are claiming their dead don’t decay. This is somehow a sign of divine approval, though you would think divine approval would come in a less fatal guise.

Folks, leave the dead alone. Unless they are your enemy and pissing all over them would really upset their friends. It’s what Kirk would do. NTFU or STFU.