It Happens

Why Stuff Goes Wrong

Ever watched something with great potential turn into shit? Have you ever been part of something that started out as an ideal dream, only for it to go to hell? Why is it that the road to Hell is paved with the best intentions? What goes wrong?

In short, how does something good go bad? More importantly, if you want to make something good, what is standing in your way, or likely to contaminate your vision?

One word: Committees

The committee can be literal or metaphorical. It’s a collection of individuals you will have to deal with at some point. They might all be seated around the same table at the same time, but it’s not a given.  The committee holds the power to OK your project, the ability to help you realise your dream, and the expertise needed to realise the harder aspects….but it also has those that will destroy it. Here are but some of those destroyers. You must learn to recognise these committee members and have a response ready.

The Dullard

Also known as the Office Party Animal. This person gives the impression of having an active and interesting outside life. They will have countless photos of themselves online of various raves and parties they’ve been to or hosted. They’ll come in one day after a long weekend burnt to a crisp because they fell asleep drunk in the park on the hottest day of the year. Unfortunately, this person is about as empty as the condom machine at an Optimists Convention, and unless drunk, incapable of any sort of social interaction or contributing in any way positive. Therefore when something original and compelling comes along, they cannot cope, because the committee meets when they are sober and the combination of stimulation and sobriety scares them so they will obstruct and whine. Luckily, they are stupid, so tell them half an hour before the meeting that Cheryl  Cole was spotted in the nearest pub, and they will make excuses and leave.

The Marketer   

This creature is the bastard, unholy offspring of a sell out hippie and a demon pimp. This bag of shit has one driving ambition, which is to be anything other than what they already are. Being repulsive to anyone with even a shred of integrity or invention, they confuse sales with relationships, becoming addicted to saying or doing anything and everything to ‘convert’ every interaction into a monetary value.    The Marketer will not obstruct or oppose the idea, they will often champion it, but this is motivated only by the need to fill the gaping hole where most people keep a soul. Unfortunately, their support will be conditional upon little ‘tweaks, changes, add-ons and tie ins designed to apply to the widest corporate audience possible’….and in doing so, will bleed out anything original, controversial or even slightly interesting. This person is not your enemy, but must be killed as soon as possible. Poison should do it. Don’t feel bad: it’s only murder if it’s a person.

The Faux Artist  (Philosopher/Writer/Administrator/Janitor etc.)

The FA is essentially a parasite, and feeds off you and your ideas. When they are not outright stealing them, they are trying desperately to inseminate your vision with the deranged and damaged seeds of their mind.  If you even pretend to take their view seriously, they will immediately appropriate as much credit as they can from a successful venture, or will attribute any failures (NB: you will fail at some point in your life) to not having listened to them. Fortunately, it’s easy to spot the FA:  They talk about what they are going to do more than they do. And if by some miracle, they get off their self obsessed asses and actually do something, it’ll be exactly ten minutes of pedestrian shit that someone else has already done, and 50 minutes of them explaining it to you and telling you why it’s unique and interesting.

It’s like a meeting someone at a bar who attempts to convince you that they are attractive by telling you how attractive they are. The temptation will be to nod vigorously, make vaguely agreeable noises, and get away as fast as possible.   Do not do this. It is important that you throw them off the scent. Tell them that you are going into the WC to lick the toilet bowls, as that is preferable to the bad taste they have left in your mouth. Real artists, writers, musicians, philosophers, even businesspeople don’t have a lot of time to tell you what they are doing, because they are too busy doing it.

New Age Nitwit, Pseudo Hippie, God Squad

A variation of the FA, with the obsessive energy seemingly focused on something other than their own ego (don’t be fooled). This person will talk about cosmic energy, rapture, karma…(you get the idea).  While on the face of it, this might seem a good thing. It gives the impression that this person has a sense of something bigger than themselves and therefore may have some humility and perspective.

That is, until the rules come along.

Each one of these witless wonders will eventually get around to telling you a set of rules and recipes that somehow apply to this supernatural power, and how their adherence to these same rules has given them strength/blessings/inspiration etc. The veneer is one of humility, but the underlying message is the same:

‘Teacher likes me more than they like you nya nya’.

If that was the end of it, you could happily ignore and get on with it, but this creature will mutate and eventually insist on everybody adhering to ever complicated and asinine bullshit. Then comes the censorship, because it turns out the universe/god  is quite thin skinned despite being all powerful and knowing. There is no way of permanently eliminating this threat, but you can minimise their disruptive and degenerate influence through the liberal use of laxatives in their food and drink.

Next Week:

Professional Victims, PC Police, Critics, Politicos and Psychopaths.